Actual Miles

Apple Store Fifth Avenue Photo Page

2006-05-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

James Woods is pictured as well. Damn, check this out. Click the photo to be re-directed to the photo page.

Photo ©Apple Computer. View from under the cube.

Apple Store Fifth Avenue

2006-05-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

Click here to view the time lapse QuickTime of the first 24-hours. Impressive, very impressive. You just don't see this kind of thing at any PC store. Just sayin... it's open 24/365!

WOW.

Border Security Plan

2006-05-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

Rango sent me this. I must say, it's a fine use of an old gutted Mac. Here leetle Mexican...

Oil Change Instructions Fer Wimmen

2006-05-19T14:38:00.000-07:00

Sent to me by Stomps With Foot... I think there is a message here (somewhere).

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Stereo, OMG

2006-04-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

A tidbit from Carlos, the Perplexed:

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

------
Man, can you imagine how much fun that would be in surround sound? Just sayin ...

Time to "drop by."

2006-04-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

Another shitty day in paradise

2006-04-12T05:07:00.000-07:00

'nuff said.

Guinness... a meal in a can!

2006-04-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

I knew it! Hat tip to El Capitan

Guinness

(66% dark & bitter, 100% working class, 100% genuine)

Okay, we all know Guinness is the best possible score on any "What Kind Of Beer Are You" test, so you can just go on and pat yourself on the back now. Like the world's most famous brew, you're genuine, you've got good taste, and you're sophisticated. What else can I say, except congratulations?

If your friends didn't score the same way, get ready for them to say: Guinness is too heavy; it's an acquired taste; it's too serious--and they probably think those things about you at times. But just brush 'em off. Everybody knows Guinness is the best. Cheers.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 33% on dark
You scored higher than 77% on workingclass
You scored higher than 33% on genuine

Link: The If You Were A Beer Test written by gwendolynbooks on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Alas, the Glock 30 is not for me

2006-04-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

Stomps With Foot (SWF) and I arrived in Abilene, for our visit with Snake and Sandstorm, to winds gusting to 30 mph, and Lubbock, Texas blowing by. The only thing that stopped the wind was a chain-link fence or a barbed-wire fence, and we know how effective they are. Here is a photo of Snake's farm outside Buffalo Gap. Just imagine how effective the fence was as a windbreak.

Nonetheless deterred by the wind, Snake proceeded to take a few firearms from the car. Starting with the .22s for SWF and his lovely wife, codename: Sandstorm, to shoot. They started with pistolas. It was SWFs first time to even hold a weapon, much less shoot five different ones.

SWF receiving instructions from Snake on the proper handling of firearms.

"Come on you Cylon toasters!" SWF taunting the targets.

Snake had some .22 rifles as well, both lever action and semi-automatic weapons. SWF shot both!

SWF is armed! Yar!

Then Snake brought out the fun weapons, Glocks and a .44, along with a .357 Magnum. SWF shot the .357 and was amazed at how much more powerful it was.

I was blown away by the .44. I drew down on the target and pulled off a round. Ka-boom, and my arm was now pointing straight up! What a kick!

After a putting a scores of rounds through the Glock 30, I realized the "pinch" I was feeling was more than just a passing incident, and had nothing to do with how I was handling the gun.

There is a bit of space between the butt and the magazine that was compressing/decompressing with each shot, and it became obvious that the Glock 30 is not what I want to own. Here is the pinch point:

Damn, I so wanted that piece! but alas, as you can see in these two shots, it just wasn't meant to be and Snake said, "You're just not a Glock person." Yup, he was right. In this photo, you can see the blood-blister from the pinching:

Here is a close-up:

Also included in the fun day of blowing shit up was a 38-55 rifle that kicked my ass. With a 275 grain bullet, that bad boy left my shoulder with some bruising, but man, it was fun to shoot, so I continued to fire off rounds until the pain in my shoulder overcame my delight and I handed it off to Snake, who promptly finished off another 5-6 rounds without a flinch. He later told me he heard a "pop" in my shoulder when I first fired that bad boy. I had not only heard it, but felt it, ouch.

Here is ~~Vanna White~~ SWF showing off our two targets:

And a close-up of the 1" steel plates:

I am looking closer at the Sig P220R, Colt Commander and a Kimber, now. Where is the next gun show?

Blogs4Bauer

2006-04-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

Yar!

All you 24 fans get on over there.

Illegal immigration and apathy

2006-04-07T05:32:00.000-07:00

Sheesh

There is trouble in paradise, in fact the trouble is quite evident here in Dallas. Last week, thousands of students bailed from their classes and headed for City Hall. Many were interviewed and didn't have a clue what they were protesting about. Wednesday evening, a local high school invited its students to an after hours meeting in their auditorium. The auditorium easily accommodates 500-600 students and the issues to be discussed were the immigration bill and how to effectively have their voices heard. It was to be moderated by the debate teacher.

As the news cameras panned the audience there were 20 students in attendance. Wait? They had no clue? No. There had been multiple announcements made over the PA system all day. Wait? Where are the thousands that "took a couple of days off from school "to protest? Ummm. They weren't even there. The ones that were there probably didn't skip school at all. Pretty sad.

This morning, Stomps With Foot forwarded an email from her cousin EllDee, quoting David Bresnahan which reads:

--------------

David M. Bresnahan
April 1, 2006
NewsWithViews.com

Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements.
I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.
--------------

Now, I pretty much agree with Mr. Bresnahan, except for the part about going quail hunting with the V.P. Even though he may be a moonbat, an opinion based solely on that sentence, I must say that I agree with him.

Kinky Friedman, one of Texas' independent gubanatorial candidates has a better idea about border security and illegal aliens. But our elected federal representatives are the ones making a mockery out of existing laws and the enforcement thereof.

For God' Sake people, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up. They are taking it all away... Remember the Don Henley song, the one that goes:

Inside Job
Don Henley/Mike Campbell

While you were sleeping
They came and took it all away
The lanes and the meadows
The places where you used to play

It was an inside job
By the well-connected
Your little protest
Summarily rejected

It was an inside job
Like it always is
Chalk it up
To business as usual

While you are dreaming
This little island disappears
While you are looking the other way
They'll take your right to own your own ideas

And it's an inside job
Favors collected
Your trusted servants
Have left you unprotected

It was an inside job
Like it always is
Just chalk it up
To business as usual

You think that you're so smart
But you don't have a fucking clue
What those men up in the towers
Are doing to me and you
And they'll keep doin' it and doin' it
And doin' it and doin' it
And doin' it and doin' it
And doin' it and doin' it
Until we all wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up

I know what I've done wrong
I am acquainted with the night
I know how hard it is
To always walk out in the light

And it's an inside job
To learn about forgiving
It's an inside job
To hang on to the joy of living

They know the road by which you came
They know your mother's maiden name
And what you had for breakfast
And what you've hidden in the mattress

Insect politics
Indifferent universe
Bang your head against the wall
But apathy is worse

It's an inside job
It's an inside job
It's an inside job
Yeah, yeah

It's an inside job
It's an inside job
It's an inside job
It's an inside job

It's an inside job
It's an inside job

OK, how many of you remember this Buffalo Springfield song. I know it by heart, because I was singing it on college campus before I went to Vietnam … it's in my DNA.

For What It's Worth
Stephen Stills, 1966

There's something happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Tellin' me I gotta beware
I think it's time we stop
Hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

I'm in, lock and load.

Everyone has secrets... don't they?

2006-04-05T05:50:00.000-07:00

Check this out, it's really interesting. I scored low on everything. Take the test and see what ails ye!

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Disorder:	Low
Dependent Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

This will just take a moment ...

2006-04-05T04:53:00.000-07:00

This morning, Stomps With Foot had emailed me a "chain-prayer." If just my regular readership will take a moment, I would appreciate it. We all know someone who has been touched by war, and our soldiers deserve at least a moment of your time; the few seconds it will take for you to read this prayer:

"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them as they protect us.
Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need.
I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
Amen."

When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world. There's nothing attached and of all the gifts you could give a US Soldier, Sailor, Airman, or Marine deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best!

Semper Fi.

Worth looking at

2006-04-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

I blogged about this site last year, and just revisited it. I find it a fascinating look into the past, and an unbelievable use of Java. Type in your name, your siblings, your children, your parents, grandparents - man, truly fascinating.

Give it a VISIT NOW!

Overwhelmed, but vacation is coming up!

2006-04-04T05:38:00.000-07:00

As you know, I have been, and continue to be overwhelmed at work. A lot of hot items are in the mill and on the board and in my head. Stomps With Foot and I will be headed West to Abilene to "blow shit up" on Saturday, then it's back to the Hill Country to see the grandchildren. Bennett turns 3 this month, SWF has a birthday as well as Sweetie One.

As you can tell, I am overwhelmed. I have been - and will continue to be. I appreciate all my regular readers who drop by to check on me. Light posting ahead - duh! As if I have been having any heavy posting lately.

Will post photos of our excursions - the bluebonnets are blooming again, and the pistols will be firing next weekend. I am anxious to get out of town with SWF and just have some fun.

Time for some Pirate Armada fun

2006-03-27T08:02:00.000-08:00

For those members of The Pirate Armada, here is a fun site! Southpark pirates. Go build yerself!

Here is the link: Create your pirate avatArrr!

I'll take the special please

2006-03-27T04:37:00.000-08:00

This was sent to me by Jayghann, purportedly from a New York KFC. While I can't verify the source, I can certainly enjoy the point of view.

Here is a close-up of the signage:

Yar!

Abilene and blowing shit up in 2 weeks

2006-03-26T06:40:00.000-08:00

Stomps With Foot (SWF) and I are going to go visit her cousin and her husband, Snake, to blow shit up in a couple of weeks. Snake has been visiting innumerable gun ranges to pluck the fresh brass (.45) from the ground for his reloads. Hell, he probably has a couple of thousand rounds by now for us to use. SWF will, hopefully, join us for some gun-range (or dry creekbed) shooting so she will get over her inate hatred of weaponry. Seems I want to buy (yet again) a pistola and obtain my concealed weapon license (currently scheduled for June 10th or so) and she is still resisting my persuasive arguments FOR the 2nd Amendment. Sheesh.

I was looking for the Sig Sauer 2340 Nitron on their website and it is nowhere to be found. Now I must decide which weapon to buy, but will first shoot anything I can get my hands on. Red Spectrum, my brother-in-law, is insisting I come down to Houston for a gun show next summer and his advice is much the same as El Capitan's, "Find something you like, are comfortable with and will use!"

Ah, so many pistols, so little time. Any suggestions? My budget is around $1,000, although I can hear SWF screaming about how that is "not in the budget." Well, it's my budget too! This is not an obsession with firearms, it's more like I enjoy it! I like the way this one looks.

Now to find a Sig P220R to try out.

I dare ye

2006-03-26T06:34:00.000-08:00

Found over at A Trainwreck in Maxwell's site

I too, dare you! Figure it out.

I dare you to push the red button. You just have to wonder how long it took them to think of all the words?

HEH!

I KNEW IT!

2006-03-25T06:38:00.000-08:00

ZiPpo The Pirate will have to write:

Surrender the booty

'What will you have to write on the chalk board?' at QuizGalaxy.com

This means something ...

2006-03-25T05:20:00.000-08:00

Which Heinlein Book Should You Have Been A Character In?

You belong in Farnham's Freehold. You are a survivor, ready for anything. You can keep a cool head, even in a world where hatred and bigotry are commonplace.
Take this quiz!

149 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 4175 times.
4% of people had this result.

-----------------------------
OK, so ony 4% of people had this result, methinks "This means something ... " Richard Dryfuss - Close Encounters of the Third Kind/

The law of unintended consequences - Part Deux

2006-03-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

Stomps With Foot sent me this from her cousin ELLDEE. Do you think this problem only exists in Louisiana?

Their Levees vs. Our Levees  Here's how the British hold back the waters from flooding London:

 And the Dutch solution to protecting an entire nation that mostly rests below sea level:

 The Italians are defending their city on the sea, Venice: 

Giant platforms on hinges raise up to break the waves when they get too high.

And the richest, most powerful and technologically advanced nation on Earth ... USA!

 Go Corps of Engineers!
 Hey, it takes a lot of money to keep corrupt politicians corrupt.

The law of unintended consequences

2006-03-20T07:43:00.000-08:00

In Dallas, we had more than 5-inches of rain over the weekend. The reason I say more than is because my rain guage only holds 5-inches and it was full.

We needed the rain, what with the Texas Panhandle losing more than 1,000,000 (that's right, one million) acres of ranch land to fires, and more than 10,000 head of cattle destroyed. At least that nightmare is over for those ranchers; and a new one begins.

The last significant rainfall we had was 2.2-inches on February 25.

45 flights were cancelled this weekend departing or arriving at Dallas/Ft. Worth International Airport. Probably a like amount at Dallas Love Field.

250 calls were received by the Dallas Police Department regarding folks involved in dangerous situations from the flooding on Sunday.

4,000 homes were without power last night.

Erratic weather would be an understatement.

Raise the gangplank, weigh anchor and hoist the mains'l, it's time to shove off.

Original meme for the day

2006-03-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

Here is one for all my fellow bloggers and readers. Take a picture of your refrigerator. You know the one, in my case it is a Wards Signature Avacado Green 1974 (still ticking, although held together in some places with duct tape and Velcro) and post it on your blog. Mine now has some new artwork, created by yours truly and a .45 at 20 yarrrrds, two clips, rapid fire. Damn thing was shooting low and to the left, and yeah, I missed a couple of times.

In the upper left you will see Stomps With Foot and our two sons. The tallest of the two is now 29, and my hippie-chick wife is looking at my now 27-year-old. Note that his naked body was put into a Speed-O by his grandmother and a ball-point pen. Also note Stomps with Foot on the right. She is in front of the U2 wall outside their studio in Dublin, taken back in 2001. Man, those were the daze. At the top center is a postcard of St. Basil's in Red Square, sent by Sweetie One when she was recruiting students for Schlitterbahn a couple of years ago.

Today finds Sweetie one in Bogata, Columbia, still recruiting.

The thing about refrigerator art is that it really describes who you are, what you like and that, of which, you need to be reminded.

They don't make them like this one anymore.

Tag, you are it! Leave a comment for us to find your refrigerator art.

Off to see the lizard

2006-03-15T07:05:00.000-08:00

Stomps With Foot and I will be heading for Tyler, Texas on Friday. I will be installing some 4' x 6' art panels in a couple of offices. Great time to get away and work and play at the same time. I need the time to pay attention to her. She is so wonderful! Yar!

This is what friends are for

2006-03-14T05:32:00.000-08:00

Bradzilla, sent me an email this morning, with the link that follows. Just click on the image and you will be redirected. It may take a couple of times before you actually connect, the site is pretty busy, but it is well worth it. In Bradzilla's words, "This will make your day... no matter how shitty it is!"

Another shitty day in paradise

2006-03-14T04:40:00.000-08:00

I snapped, yesterday. Totally lost it. No excuses, other than being under a tremendous amount of stress for the past 4 months, with few weekends off and an Idiotic Executive Design Committee that just doesn't quite "get it." Stomps With Foot is rightly concerned. After returning from Ontario on Sunday, and having a small gathering for my #1 son's 29th birthday I was watching TV and SWF politely asked me to turn down the TV. I turned it off. Sat quietly for a few minutes and went to bed … at 5 p.m. DID I MENTION IT WAS 5 P.M.?

Sheesh.

Yesterday, Bradzilla came by with our shot list for our meeting with the IEDC and after the meeting the IEDC wanted to review the 500 photos my Shooter and I took in Ontario. There was a series that I had shot with the motor drive and Bradzilla said, "Man, that would look great as a series." Ya think? Duh? Of course, since he verbalized it, the IEDC thought he was a genius and it was his idea. I looked straight at the screen and told them that the reason I shot it that way was to include it in a series. But the damage had been done.

They then proceeded to invite Bradzilla to review our work on the now infamous Gallery. So off we went to the conference room where Desdemona was showing her latest handiwork and the head of the IEDC asked Bradzilla what his hourly rate was. I told him that he wasn't charging us. Bradzilla is smart and the replied that he knew nothing about what we were doing.

We returned to the art department and I told Bradzilla to sit down and finish "his idea," took off my jacket and threw it on the floor. If there had been a brick lying about I would have thrown it through the window. I snapped; yelled, and went to my conference area to bury my head in my hands.

Bradzilla was aghast and apologized. He knew what he had done, he just didn't think anything about it and normally, neither would I. I apologized for my inexcusable behavior. No let up in sight. I continue to do what must be done to meet incredibly stupid deadlines with limited resources.

SWF suggested I quit. I told her that I needed to focus, not to think about quitting. I love my profession, I love the people I work with, I just need a vacation. Maybe in April I can get away with her for some much needed R&R.

Life goes on, bra … la la how the life goes on.

O Canada ...

2006-03-11T04:19:00.000-08:00

This morning I am in Buffalo, NY, on my way to Ontario for a shoot. Yeah, I've been telling ya how crazy things have been these past few months. This was one of those crazy things. 1. CEO is "hot to trot" for the perfect images; 2. I can do that. 3. I sit here, after flying about 3 hours out of Dallas. It's cold - just above freezing, and today promises to be an "OK" day, weatherwise. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain so we will be in gun-and-run mode for the next eight hours. Oh, and what I am shooting is an indoor waterpark with a retractable roof that we are going to be putting on the ground near Tyler, Texas.

Flew up seated next to an nice guy that is a copyright attorney. I whipped out my iPod Video and his jaw dropped. While I was watching Lord of War, with Nicolas Cage, he was bringing out his ultra-crappy Rio (circa last century) and drooling on my encasing Otterbox that just happens to be waterproof (to an amazing three feet). He was heading back to Buffalo after a vacation in Cabo and just shook his head in amazement when I let him hold it, and navigate with it. "It's all about the interface, the design, the way it works just like you think it should and, yes, Virginia, it holds a butt-load of music, photos, music videos and full-length movies.

Techno-envy! Ha! Love it! Everytime someone sees my iPod Video they surely run to the nearest Apple Store, or logon to buy their own. I am probably personally responsible for 15 sales of both iPods and Macintosh's this year alone!

Yar! There should be some kind of referral booty buried for me to unearth.

Caption Contest!

2006-03-09T04:57:00.000-08:00

My Viking friend has posted his first contest. Go visit him and post your comment!

Yar!

New Living Will Form - Quick and Easy

2006-03-09T04:40:00.000-08:00

Sent to me by my attorney, Carlos the Perplexed; modified by yours truly – see how quick and easy this is!

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills (or my children, who may be seeking vindication!).

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following …
______a pint of Guinness
______a Bloody Mary
______a pint of Guinness
______a Martini
______a Cosmopolitan
______a plate of Trisquits and Pick-a-Peppa sauce
______a handful of raw almonds
______dark chocolate
______Sex

… it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________
Date: ___________________________

El Capitan should bring all his ammo, and ...

2006-03-05T05:06:00.000-08:00

I read A Trainwreck in Maxwell's posting in which he describes an incredulous act of barbarism. He properly attributed the the story, and I encourage you to visit and read about it. Man, talk about making your blood boil.

My bet is that it was either: a) some drunken teenagers with nothing better to do; or b) a Dimmicrat.

I say we set the Rottweiler on 'em and use all of El Capitan's newly acquired ammo for target practice. Starting at the testicles (if the perps have any) and working our way up.

Past life diagnosis. Uh-huh.

2006-03-04T16:59:00.000-08:00

Heb, my friend in Bavaria sent me this link

Funny, but somehow, I cannot refute that, nor can I prove it.
===========
Your past life diagnosis:
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere in the territory of modern USA North-East around the year 1500.
Your profession was that of a designer, engineer or craftsman.
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Seeker of truth and wisdom. You could have seen your future lives. Others perceived you as an idealist illuminating path to future.
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to develop a kind attitude towards people, and to acquire the gift of understanding and compassion.
Do you remember now?
===========
No, I really don't remember that, but it is rather uncanny that I am still making my living as a designer.

Progress

2006-03-04T05:12:00.000-08:00

Well, sort of yes, sort of no. Some progress has been made with my "gallery." It is a total ripoff of what another company has done in the past and looks soooo last century. I will just have to update it and get it done in 30 daze. I will keep posting about it as I get closer to the deadline.

Desdemona thinks it will be a snap! Now if I can just decide on a color palette and templates we can get started.

The Traveler's Ten Commandments

2006-03-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

Stomps With Foot sent me these and commented that she liked them. I do too, and hope you do as well.

1. Thou shalt not expect to find things as thou hast them at home... for thou hast left thy home to find things different.

2. Thou shalt not take anything too seriously... for a carefree mind is the beginning of a fine holiday.

3. Thou shalt not let other tourists get on thy nerves... for thou art paying good money to enjoy thyself.

4. Thou shalt remember that to err is human and to forgive is divine.

5. Thou must know at all times where thy passport lies… for a person without a passport is a person without a country.

6. Thou shouldst remember that if thou were expected to remaineth in one place, thou would have been created with roots.

7. Thou shalt not worry… for he that worrieth hath no pleasure... few things are ever fatal.

8. When in Rome, thou shalt be prepared to do as the Romans do.

9. Thou shalt not judge the entire people of a country by one person who was a poor host.

10. Remember- thou art a guest in every land... and he that treateth his host with respect is treated as an honored guest in return.

One shot, one kill

2006-02-26T05:29:00.000-08:00

Thanks to A Trainwreck In Maxwell, I took this test.

You scored as Sniper Rifle. You like sharpshooting. Stealth, accuracy and range are your best friends. So you need sniper rifle (if you don't already have one).

Sniper Rifle

100%

Assault Rifle

63%

Machinegun

63%

Shotgun

50%

Pistol

44%

Revolver

25%

SMG

25%

What Firearm Fits You Best?
created with QuizFarm.com

Deconstruction continues at the gallery

2006-02-26T04:12:00.000-08:00

Possibly the worst thing that can happen to an artist is to have his or her work removed for renovation. You know, the kind of renovation that will please even the best Administrative Assistant, a VP who has all his or her taste in their mouths, and the kind of renovation that definitely pleases a used-car salesman.

This photo is too high... whine whine whine. Or the best one yet was, My momma always said pictures should be hung so they are at eye level, uttered by a 5'5" person. Hmmm. He is right, we should put step stools in front of every grouping so he can actually have his suggestion initiated. Ummmm, let me think about that for a millisecond. No.

Why is it that the CEO absolutely loved the finished product until other opinions, like assholes, opened up and spewed forth their diarhea-like ideas onto the walls.

I am over the initial frustration, and have been spending days trying to come up with a design that everyone likes. Kind of like being a cat's scratching post. It has a useful purpose, unless you are the post.

I will make it work, it will be better than before. Now, if I could only stop the clock while I figure this out.

Desdemona is also taking it in stride, bless her heart, she is being fantastic about this, and I think I am taking it harder than she is. Which is funny because it was mostly her work. I admire her, and she doesn't even know it!

Stomps With Foot has been a trooper as well. I tend to download my frustrations upon her shoulders after a day at work. I just wish I had had a chance to show her the gallery before it was deconstructed. However, the final (yeah, right) product will make everyone happy as little clams, complete with smug smiles from the artists.

IEDC - Idiotic Executive Design Committee

2006-02-24T06:31:00.000-08:00

All the work Desdemona and I have done for the past three months has been erased. Not by a magic eraser, but by the IEDC. After consulting with the top dog and receiving his blessing we proceeded with our project of hanging more than 160 photos in our new gallery and just found out that the IEDC has decided they don't like the way it looks. What? After all these approvals and costs associated with the project? You mean you want me to tear it down and start it over? WTF? Alas, there is a disturbance in the force, Luke. Anyone got a .45 slug to put me out of my misery?
And why is it that the IEDC didn't raise their hands more than two months ago when the process was first started? Why? Just give me one good reason …

Methinks those least qualified are trying to be the big swinging dicks; the inmates are running the asylum.

And did I mention this has to be completed by next Thursday? Load that chamber, I think I will have my way with this committee.

Don't flush it!

2006-02-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

Damn, Dubyah is threating veto on any bill that Congress passes that would obviate the running of six ports by the United Arab Emirates. Ummmm, let me get this clear, NOW White House spokesman Scott McClellan says the president was not aware of the pending deal until it was approved and had become public but then checked with his Cabinet secretaries just to ensure they stood by their approval of the plan by state-controlled Dubai Ports World to manage six US ports. WTF?

What? Shall we piss or get off the pot? Wait, let's just flush the damn thing, after all, we all know what radical Middle-eastern men between 18 and 40 years of age do, don't we? Doesn't he?

Another nugget!

2006-02-19T07:54:00.000-08:00

While editing my photography from one of my recent resort shoots, I found this one that I remember commenting about. The comment was, "Man, talk about customer service!"

A little known Veteran's Memorial Park

2006-02-18T05:31:00.000-08:00

Over in the sleepy town of Hawkins, Texas, (north of Tyler) there is a man who restores aircraft. About six years ago I was en route to one of our resorts and noticed his hanger-like workshop on the main road north. I stopped by and he was restoring George Bush's WWII plane for display at the Bush Library at Texas A&M University. I was dumbfounded. As I am looking through the hundreds of photos I took a couple of weeks ago, I came across these.

This man restored a Cobra Gunship and made it the centerpiece of the Veteran's Memorial Park. I must say, that this is truly a work of art, both from the technological standpoint and from the finish-out replete with pilot and RIO, who sits amidship behind and above the pilot.

Must get back to work on these damn photos, but I wanted to share these, and remind myself to do some research on this man and his passion.

------
Thanks to Rockhauler for properly identifying the Cobra!

This sign really made me feel safe

2006-02-18T04:54:00.000-08:00

While on a photo shoot a couple of weeks ago, I saw this sign at the entrance to one of our properties.

Now, I must say that meth is an evil substance and its eradication should be assessed as more like pissing into the wind from the bow while sailing at ramming speed. The next thing I know, the security guy comes out (nice kid - maybe 24 years old) and says he'd like to show me his AR-15. Nice piece, nice guy. Then a lady comes by and asks, "Is there really a meth problem here in East Texas?"

Ummmm ... duh. No, really, we just like to have folks come out and watch the meth being produced for consumption by our kids; it's the neighborly thing to do.

Insanity prevails

2006-02-18T04:14:00.000-08:00

Ahoy me hearties. Me 38-40 or so regular visitors who have seen neither hide nor hair from this stressed-out pirate. Alas, 'tis no excuse for not at least posting something for the past two months. There is still much afoot, most of which I canna tell ye about , as I work for a public company (not to be confused with a pubic company - for adolescents only).

I had been hoping against hope that I would have been able to get these projects completed yet more and more keep coming at me. A veritable cannonade of fire 'cross me bowsprit. At least the forestays are in one piece.

This weekend finds me in two places - one is at home pushing 84 meg pixel photos around for display in an offsite location that begins installation next Tuesday. Did I mention that I am still pushing pixels around. There are more than 160 huge-ass pieces of museum quality photography (shot by yours truly) that must be completed, printed, framed and hung before next Wednesday. Wednesday is an appropriate day, named after Woden - a bastardization of the name of the Norse god Odin, as it will take an intervention of the gods to make this happen. The second place I will be found this weekend is in the studio with the film editor as we try to complete an eleven-minute diatribe for presentation on March 1st. Again, appropriate as Mars is the god of war, for which I have already girded my loins.

I haven't had a weekend OFF for about three months now, and quite frankly, it sucks. But, as they say, that's why they pay me the big bucks. Well, I have news for you. All the high six-figure income does not stop the walls from moving in my peripheral vision. I hit the proverbial wall last week at about 3 p.m. and was lucky to get home without wrecking the car.

Methinks that blogging again will enable me to rest for a bit, even if it is a brief posting.

Thank ye verily to the 38 who consistently seek postings on the barren wasteland of late.

The devil made me do it

2005-12-16T06:55:00.000-08:00

I made a present of this wonderful Swinger Ring (no pun intended) to Stomps With Foot while we were in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago. Click the photo to be redirected to their website. It is made by Teufel (pronounced toy-full) Jewelry and we had seen one in Hawaii many years ago and didn't buy it. When we discovered it in a jewelry store inside New York New York … well, I just had to get it for her.

Now the interesting part is that my friend Heb, who lives in Bavaria, suggested I name my new ride The Red Devil after a famous German pirate ship. I did a translation from English to German and lo and behold the word Teufel translates to devil. Now this is just a wierd coincidence, methinks.

I wondered if I should tell SWF about the translation of our new favorite word, Teufel, not wanting to give any negative connotations to her new bling. I did. She cocked her head and said, "What???"

Guess that was not a wise choice, but we love the word! Forget about the translation. A rose by any other name … and all.

Oh, man! It's so fine, being a Texan!

2005-12-14T07:02:00.000-08:00

Sunset in the Texas Hill Country, during Wurstfest celebration. This shot was taken from the back porch, overlooking Canyon Lake, by my sister, codename: Rango.

For all you Texicans, Texans, and especially Rhianna, the ex-pat. This is for you.

All others can drool a bit, and get yer asses to the Great Republic of Texas.

As my aunt would say, after saying grace, "God Save The Republic."

Red sky at night, sailors delight. And yes, the stars at night are big and bright – deep in the heart of Texas.

Buy New Car Light Came On Again, so …

2005-12-14T05:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a car payment for two years. Now the Exploder is getting on in age, and a bit long of tooth, so I am biting the big one for this bad boy. They call it Dark Cherry Clearcoat, it's a 2006 Ford Exploder Eddie Bauer Edition. Sheesh, my first house cost $10,000 less than this bad boy. Damn. After much angst, Stomps With Foot and I decided to give my son, Codename: Tyrone, my 1998 Exploder with 143,000 miles on it. It's a great car and has been carefully and lovingly cared for over the past seven years.

This is the interior. Mine is sans GPS. Sheesh, they only wanted $4,000 for the damn GPS. I can always get a map for a lot less!

Yar. We pick her up at the pier tomorrow, Thursday, Dec. 15. Woot!

Now, I must think of a name for her, something fitting for a pirate. Any suggestions would be appreciated, and if'n ye win this contest, I'll personally be givin' ye a ride in her and some surprise booty as well.

Something like, The Black Pearl, perhaps?

Hmmmm, The Red-winged Falcon. Need some help here, matey's.

Redford, May, 1991 - November 2005. R.I.P.

2005-12-12T05:32:00.000-08:00

Redford was 14-years-old (87 in dog years according to the veterinarian). He was really special and we noticed the day before Thanksgiving that he wasn't feeling well. Labored breathing and very slow to move. We called the vet on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and finally heard from them on Friday, November 25 and took him in at 4:30 p.m.

He was dehydrated, had a collapsed lung and the x-rays showed cancer of the lungs. We kissed him and hugged him and I nibbled his cheek; then we and bade him farewell.

Stomps With Foot and I made the decision and I can't tell you how hard that was, yet it was the best thing to do for the king of the dachsunds. I really miss him. Really badly.

Wurstfest doings 11/4-11/14/2005

2005-12-09T07:13:00.000-08:00

Stomps With Foot and I played host/hostess during the 10-day celebration of the sausage at Wurstfest in New Braunfels, to my youngest sister, codename: Rango, and her husband, codename: Red Spectrum. They have been interested in buying some property in the Hill Country and we had the incredible luck of arriving simultaneously at the designated location. They are from Dickinson, located between Houston and Galveston. We drove to Mystic Shores for an appointment they had with one of the "snake-oil salesmen" who told us they had some lots, the cheapest of which was $250,000.00. Right!

We laughed to ourselves, and while we drove the property (being led by the salesman) they stopped to look at the parcel. While Red Spectrum surveyed the land on foot, Rango called a man in Kerrville to make an appointment to see 7.5 acres for $25,000 (or so, I forget stuff). Red Spectrum pointed the salesman's attention to Rango, who was sitting in their car, and let him know that she was closing a deal on the Kerrville property. Well, as if by magic, the salesman pulled some cheaper parcels out of his ass, and suggested they go look at it. Red Spectrum kicked the dirt and said, "She's closing the deal now, so, no thanks."

With that, we left and returned to the Hill Country Resort for Bloody Mary's and some dinner. The next day we drove to Kerrville, about 2 hours away, and went via Johnson City and Fredricksburg. It was a great day for a drive, and we finally located the 7.5 acre parcel they had been looking for. Alas, it was pretty much a "waller" (coloquial for "wallow") and they nixed that idea. They had arranged to see some property in Wimberly on Sunday, and departed early for the appointment with the real estate agent. They came, they saw and they left!

Stomps with foot and I then turn our attention to the Good Ship Sycamore, our rental property in New Braunfels. She needed some repairs to her hull, and we were very fortunate to hook-up with a great contractor who handled the situation in record time. In fact, my grandson was born while I was overseeing the hull repair!

Friday evening we then hosted her cousin, codename: Ess, and her husband, codename: Snake. Saturday, while the ladies enjoyed a "spa" day at our favorite salon in New Braunfels - The William Edge Salon - Snake and I headed for the gun range.

We blew up a lot of shit, especially .45 ACP ammo. I made some new art for the refrigerator at home - my target from 25 yards. Not bad for a pirate. Nice tight patterns around the bullseye, and a couple that missed the target entirely. Yar!

We had a great time for 10 daze in the Hill Country, visiting with daughter, SweetieOne and Duffer - and the two granddaughters. Then it was back to Dallas to get ready for Thanksgiving.

Did I mention that we didn't even go to the Wurstfest celebration? Guess we had other things to do that were more important.

Almost 2 months since my last post, damn.

2005-12-09T06:36:00.000-08:00

Much has been taking up my time lately, and I have been remiss in sharing with my blog readers, for which I apologize.

I will make it up to you, as well as myself, by trying to take things chronologically.

Murray Wayne Bennett, my first grandson, arrived November 10th. Son of my son - codename: Tyrone, and the love of his life, codename: SweetCee.

Stomps With Foot and I were in New Braunfels at the time, and there was a bit of guilt experienced by us both for not being in Dallas to support Tyrone and SweetCee during this incredible miracle. My eldest son, codename: Jaeger and his wife were there for them though, which I appreciated more than they know.

Ah, that new-baby smell … (Sniff, sniff, sniff)

Not wanting to diminish the beauty and importance of this event, I will catch you up on the next "happening," in my next post.

Watch your music!

2005-10-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

I got it yesterday, around 10:20 a.m. Fresh from Shanghai. Fully-charged for 20 hours of battery power.

I have owned every iPod, since they were first introduced. Generation 1-5. Wow. Watch your music. Here are some of the features of this 60Gig, Black, Video iPod:

• Holds up to 15,000 songs and full-color album art
• Bright 2.5-inch, 320 x 240 pixel TFT display
• Up to 20 hours of battery life
• Holds up to 25,000 photos
• Holds up to 150 hours of video
• Plays video or photo slideshows on TV via the optional Dock (which I of course also ordered!)
• Apple Click Wheel
• Accessory-compatible Dock connector
• Dock works with the new Apple Remote
• Charges and syncs via USB
• Syncs contacts, calendars and to-do lists

Duly laser-engraved: Surrender The Booty! In Real Life I Am A Pirate.

Hell yes! Must get back to ~~play~~ work!

Boiled what?

2005-10-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

While in Georgia this past Friday, I headed north from Atlanta, up I-85 toward Clarkesville. There is a place on a hill called Jaemor Farm Market, that sneaks up on you with no prior warning. I had been looking for it all the way up the highway, not remembering exactly where it was.

Last year, Bradzilla and I were on a video shoot and he made me turn around and go back to this location for some boiled Jawja peanuts. I shuddered, thinking, "Ick." To my delight, they were delicious and I couldn't wait to get some more!

Well, as fate would have it, I passed it up, but immediately knew I had and made the next U-turn to get back to the location. I pulled up the hill, parked and saw the sign: BOILED PEANUTS $2.50 PER QUART. SEE CASHIER. I waited my turn and then paid my $2.50 and the cashier goes over to a 55-gallon drum of boiling water, dips in a sieve on the end of a pole and deposits the booty into a sack with a plastic liner. He hands it to me and I watch the steam rising from the bag as I take it.

When I got back into the car, I realized I had a problem. Bradzilla was no where in sight to peel them open for me as I drove. Besides that, they were boiling hot, for God's sake.

I waited a few minutes and stuck my hand into the steaming bag, while driving up I-85. I dropped the first one back into the bag. Too damn hot to handle, so I waited a few more minutes. I could stand it no more and grabbed one from the steaming sack in the passenger seat. I deftly placed it on the air conditioning vent which I had tilted up as far as it would go. Then I placed five more on that vent, and started filling up the spaces on the adjacent vent.

With 10 peanuts cooling, I picked up the first one, split it, and popped those delicious boiled peanuts into my mouth. Wow! What a great taste. I blew through the remaining 9 peanuts and repeated the process.

If those Jawja bloggers come to Austin next Spring, I will personally boil them some peanuts! Now if I only had a recipe!

Delicious, just delicious. I ate the entire bag and only burned my fingers once.

I found a couple of recipes that I will be testing. I can't wait!

1. Wash raw peanuts thoroughly in cool water; then soak in clean cool water for about 30 minutes before cooking.
2. Put peanuts in a saucepan and cover completely with water. Because the shells of some peanuts absorb more salt than others, it's best to begin with 1 tablespoon of salt for each 2 cups of peanuts; you can add more salt to taste later.
3. The cooking period for boiled peanuts varies according to the maturity of the peanuts used and the variety of peanut. The cooking time for a "freshly pulled" green peanut is shorter than for a peanut which has been stored for a time.
4. When fully cooked, the texture of the peanut should be similar to that of a cooked dry pea or bean. Boil the peanuts for about 35 minutes, then taste. If they are not salted enough, add more salt. Taste again in 10 minutes, both for salt content and to see if the peanuts are fully cooked. If not ready, continue tasting every 5 minutes until they have a satisfactory texture.

5. Drain peanuts after cooking or they will continue to absorb salt and become oversalted.

6. Boiled peanuts are usually served as a snack, but they make a great substitute for dried cooked beans at any meal. They may be eaten hot, at room temperature, or chilled in the refrigerator and eaten cold, shelling as you eat them. They will keep in the refrigerator for several days, or they may be frozen.

This recipe is even easier, although I could not, in good conscience, wait this long.

INGREDIENTS:
• 1-1/2 quarts green uncooked peanuts
• 1/2 cup salt*
• 2-1/2 quarts water
PREPARATION:
Wash peanuts until water runs clear. Put nuts in crockpot. Add salt and water. Stir well. Cover and cook on high for 5 to 7 hours. If necessary, add additional water to keep peanuts covered.
*The peanuts will get saltier the longer they sit in their cooking liquid.

I love waiting for the FedEx guy!

2005-10-24T05:26:00.000-07:00

OK, SWF got me a present. It is enroute. It was ordered on October 13th and shipped on October 22nd, as shown below.

Anyone care to guess what I will be wrapping my eyes and ears around?

I had it laser engraved with the following:

Surrender the booty!
In real life I'm a pirate.

Ah, how sweet it shall be!

Wrapped …

2005-10-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

… in the cold blanket named FEAR.

I just had an opportunity to do something I thought would be really nice, considerate and unique for someone. I wanted to a send present to a fellow Texan that I had never met … who didn't know me from some steet-trash, Colt 45-drinking, whoring-scumbag predator. All I asked for was a mailing address. "Um, no. Ye canna ha'e me address!" Seems I forgot that some folks never had the same trust for their neighbors that I did as a child, as a pre-pubescent adolecent and even as a teenager. My bad.

When I was growing up we'd always leave the keys in the car's ignition, and we'd always leave our doors to the house unlocked - God forbid, what if our neighbors needed something? Back then it was June and Ward Cleaver in Leave it to Beaver or the Father Knows Best that set the tone of the 50s and 60s.

Those days are gone now, those days of innocence and trust. Makes me sad. Those halcyon days are long gone; those idyllically happy and peaceful days of yore are nothing but a memory and it is doubly sad that there is no trust in the world in general.

People are wracked with fear, fear that is undoubtedly merited, in these modern days of distrust and war. Fear for their safety, fear for their family's safety. Totally understandable and yet, regrettable, sadly regrettable.

Most of the people who visit here on a regular basis, know me. Some do not, yet I have their addresses and phone numbers which I asked for and received - without gnashing of teeth or freaking out.

I know there are "predators" out there in cyberspace. I know people want their anonymity. I just am saddened that our reaction to the world of chaos that we now live in, is to wrap oneself in a cocoon of "imagined" safety. We are not safe anymore. No one is.

There is a saying that I have been seeing regularly lately: "Be the change you want to see in the world." So if anyone needs anything - whether I know you or not - just drop by the Good Ship Sycamore and ye'll be welcomed as ye'r piped aboard and introduced to the comfort of our ship. Ye'll dine on what 'er Stomps With Foot and I have in the kitchen, drink grog or make a beer run. We'll entertain each other with stories and generally have a great time.

I know all about war - been there, got decorated, got back to the world in one piece, both mentally and physically. Viet Nam was a long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away. So was Kent State, Martin Luther King, RFK and JFK. It seems things started to go downhill during the Nixon administration - back when Richard was King.

Damn. We need a new generation of protest songs - to get the message out that people are generally trustworty, good-hearted and kind. Damn.

Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler saves day

2005-10-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

Here is the icing:

Here is the cake:

Shortly after these photos were taken the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler killed 'em all and ate their cake.

Idiot lights and electrical tape.

2005-10-17T06:44:00.000-07:00

As SWF and I were travelling to Ft. Worth this weekend, I notice the "idiot light" on my dashboard is reading:

Well, OK, my '98 Ford Exploder just rolled over 140,000 miles. Maybe it's just the fact that it rolled over that I need to have it "diagnosed" for $75 and whatever is causing the problem will be rectified with a $30 part PLUS $580 for labor. You know the bottom line of these types of warning signs.

But the more I looked at that idiot light I found it to be changing before my eyes into:

Don't need the SUV anymore, really. The kids are all grown and there's got to be a car out there with better mileage. Sheesh, I hate this part; a new car today costs more than my first home (back in the '70s).

My friend, Shooter, has a solution for these types of problems. Grab some electrical tape, and cover the offending idiot light.

Hmmmm. Something to think about besides a $30,000+ replacement vehicle. Electrical tape is really really cheap, and I have plenty at home.

Strength and far-sightedness

2005-10-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

My youngest brother, codename: Gogo and his family were in Ft. Worth this weekend. My sister-in-law's father passed away last week in Houston and was interred in Fort Worth on Saturday afternoon. Stomps With Foot and I made the trip over from Dallas to give our last respects to Dr. Dan. We had only met him a couple of times, weren't close to him, but he was dearly loved by all his family.

When we arrived at the funeral home, SWF and I were early, so we found a shade tree to park under and waited. When the family arrived, I couldn't see my brother so I called his cell phone. He was inside, trying to find the minister who would say the prayers over the coffin. Alas and alack, no minister. Wires got crossed somewhere and he was fit to be tied. He was crawling up and down the back of he funeral home representatives (God Bless them) and we were all at the gravesite.

Calls were made, pacing ensued. I took my brother aside and suggested that the worst-case scenario wasn't bad at all. No minister, no problem. Just have everyone who wants to speak about their dad/ex-husbands (yes, there were two ex-wives), stand by the coffin and say what is on their minds, and close with the Lord's Prayer.

And so they did … it was beautiful. In fact, a red-winged hawk flew very close to the coffin, from left to right. He swooped low over the graves and then pulled up and disappeared into the sky. Everyone immediately glommed onto that sight and translated it as his spirit leaving the area for heaven. Wow. What a thing to behold. It was more than beautiful, it was awe-inspiring. Dr. Dan would've loved the graveside service. Everyone said their piece and made their peace with their departed loved-one. Stories were imparted, prayers were said and it was a wonderful thing to behold.

In Native-American lore, the hawk represents strength and far-sightedness. May the strength of the hawk, renew the spirits of those who witnessed this magnificently-timed event. I know it was his spirit, not a coincidental event.

Don't you love it when …

2005-10-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

… someone solves a really important problem?

Who says you can't train a man to do better?

Tears are for the living

2005-10-12T06:13:00.000-07:00

Death rains from the sky
Upon people, caste low or high
People will live
People will die
But their prayers will be heard on High

Whether volcano, flood or hurricane
Man's intervening efforts are in vain
We cannot take away the pain
Of death, of ruin or Nature's bane
Nothing man does is germane

Tis God's work, some will say
It fills our hearts as we pray
For come darkest night or brightest day
He is the One with whom we stay
He is the One our sorrows allay

Let them sigh
Let them cry
Let them try
Let them look into the sky
Let them find comfort in His eye

You've been pumpkinned!

2005-10-12T05:05:00.000-07:00

How to carve a pumpkin!

Just click on the Jack-o-Lantern carving instructions below. It's easier than you may think.

You decide …

2005-10-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

Simple question, simple answer.

More smoke on the water …

2005-10-11T06:24:00.000-07:00

The Cap'n has the rest of the story. Click the photo for a look-see.

Must distract Stomps With Foot!

2005-10-11T04:38:00.000-07:00

My brother-in-law, codename: Red Spectrum, has one of these bad boys and let me ~~fondle~~ handle it last week. El Capitan and his buddy Zibig both responded to my inquiries on the .40 versus the .45. Whoa! My wallet will be heavier with the Concealed Handgun license, but lighter for the cost. Seems to be an even trade off.

SIG PRO 2340
The Sig Pro is available in 9mm Para, .357 SIG or .40 S&W. The Sig Pro features a polymer frame using the latest technologies in synthetic materials manufacturing. The Sig Pro also features an integral fire control unit for easy conversion from SA/DA to double-action-only, integral accessory rail to mount a tactical light or laser sight (mmmmmmm, laser sight), and a unique four-point safety system. The magazine release is reversible for the left thumb to release the magazine.

Hey kids - now you know what you can get yer old man for Christmas - accessories!

FEATURES & BENEFITS
• Mechanically locked, recoil-operated semi-automatic.
• Stainless steel slide.
• Fiber-reinforced sythetic frame.
• Four-point safety system: patented automatic firing pin lock; frame-mounted decocking lever; safety intercept notch; trigger bar disconnector.
• A variety of sight configurations let you adjust for all kinds of angles and heights.
• Available in 9mm Para, .357 SIG and .40 S&W (calibers are interchangeable between .357 SIG and .40 S&W models only).
• Optional grips and trigger available for custom fit.
• Available in Nitron and two-tone finishes.

SIG PRO SPECIFICATIONS
Safety Features: Auto firing pin lock; frame-mounted decocking lever; safety intercept notch; trigger bar disconnector. Operation: Mechanically locked, recoil-operated, semi-automatic pistol Trigger: DA/SA and DAO Caliber: 9mm Para, .357 SIG, .40 S&W Length, overall: 7.4” Height, overall: 5.7” Width, overall: 1.4” Barrel length: 3.9” Rifling twist: 1:10” (9mm); 1:16” (.357 SIG); 1:15” (.40 S&W) Rifling grooves: 6 Sight radius: 5.9” Weight, w/o mag.: 25 oz. (9mm)* Weight, empty mag.: 3.0 oz. Magazine cap.: 10 2009 NITRON® All weights and dimensions are approximate. *Add 2.2 oz. for larger calibers. Specifications are subject to change without notice.

Now if I can just distract Stomps With Foot with something shiny - beads and baubles, perhaps, I can sneak this into my stocking over the fireplace, and let Santa bring me the jacketed hollow-point rounds.

Sail On, Jimmy, Sail On

2005-10-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

My first cousin, Jimmy, passed away Sunday evening, as a result of a losing battle against brain cancer. He bought a year of life by paying for the pain of chemotherapy. I will be in Houston, tomorrow, through Friday. Sheesh. I wish I could see El Capitan, but things will be hectic as it is. I know you all understand how this "suckiest" part of life is, but it remains a huge part and I must do the needful.

Tell your loved ones, you love them; even if they are your first cousins and you haven't spoken with them in 30 yeArrrs - life is short; I am reminded of Paul Simon's musical query, "Why am I so soft in the middle, when life is so hard?"

Desdemona's building a rocket ship

2005-10-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

My partner in Art Department Crime, codename: Desdemona, sent me this. I think she is trying to encourage tact, but that isn't necessarily the case.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 180 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

Please send your donations to the 'Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.

New State Mottos

2005-10-03T09:11:00.001-07:00

Our union of 50 states has been strengthened by the addition of these new State Mottos

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids. And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru. (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes … Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S."

Indiana
2-Billion Years Tidal-Wave Free.

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn.

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States.

Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's. And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians.

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes … And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State.

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work.

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest.

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone.

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets.

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney … And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable.

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan.

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing.

Oregon
Spotted Owl … It's What's For Dinner.

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal.

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island.

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet.

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.

Texas
God Save The Republic!

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.

Vermont
Ay, Yep.

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
Our Governor Can Out-Fraud Your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family … Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men … And The Sheep Are Scared.

and finally, that location that is not a state …

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!

Leadership, really!

2005-09-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

My sister sent this to me and I had to look twice to figure out the punch line. However, after looking at it for a bit the point is obvious. The Dimmicrats in Louisiana left their busses parked (and flooded) while the Texas Republican guvmint had theirs filled for the evacuation of Galveston.

Does it make you wonder? Nah, it's obvious that we learned from their mistakes. Sad, I know, but reality is what it is. Although Bill Clinton's famous quote comes to mind, "It all depends on what the definition of 'is' is."

She is sooooo good at finding stuff!

2005-09-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

Stomps With Foot just read my entry for today where I mentioned the mystery diner in San Francisco. She found the diner, Max's and a copy of Max's Laws (sm) and so I want to share them with you. If you are ever in The City, go there, you will not be disappointed. Max's Laws (sm) are seen on the back of their menu. Click the logo above to be redirected to their website.

Max's Laws (sm)

1. This restaurant is run for the enjoyment and pleasure of our customers, not the convenience of the staff or the owners.

2. You get a free round of drinks if anyone on our staff comes up and says, "Is everything all right?" When we ask questions, they'll be good ones.

3. You must get your mustard and ketchup before your burger, sandwich or fries.

4. We hate soggy fries. If yours aren't crisp, the way you like them-send them back-maybe the kitchen will get the message.

5. Corned beef and pastrami are good because they contain some fat; however, with today's dietary consciousness, our corned beef and pastrami are now extra lean. So ask for a little fat for that traditional taste. If you want something with no fat, how about our turkey or turkey pastrami.

6. The turkey is always fresh. Period.

7. Our iced tea is table brewed. Just pour it over a big glass of ice.

8. You'll love our breads and pastries. They're made fresh daily in Max's Bakery and Kitchen.

9. Warning: We bake our own sourdough crusty as can be. If you like soft bread, eat the middle.

10. Our ice cream sauces are a point of pride. They're made in New York by a certified chocoholic who refuses therapy. They are simply the best in the country. And we don't boast idly.

11. We bring ice cream sauces from New York City and mustards from Oregon. Eat here. Save the airfare.

12. This is a bad place for a diet and a good place for a diet.

13. Our desserts are excessive because nothing succeeds like excess. We encourage sharing if you're not super hungry.

14. Substitutions are okay by us; don't be bashful, you've got a mouth, use it.

15. We use cholesterol-free oil for frying and sauteing; anything can be grilled fat-free!

16. If you are a single diner and are greeted with the expression, "Just one?" dinner is on us.

17. We agree that the customer is always right. If there is a problem with your food or service, call for the manager-we'll fix it in a flash. But, if you finish your plate-it couldn't have been all that bad! Now, could it?

18. If, upon presentation of your check, your server says, "Do you want change?" Forget about the tip!

Now I can't wait to get there! My mouth is watering and my piehole has turned into a face-engulfing smile.

Don't panic, they're organic!

2005-09-30T05:28:00.000-07:00

Timmy sent me this photo of dahlias. Wow, just wow! His comment was, "Pull out the black light, burn a fattie." Daym, son, you don't even need a black light to view these beauties. He has commented that The City is full of flowers, year-round.

©2005, Sanfransicko, All Rights Reserved. Published with permission.

He once recited a quote, attributed to Mark Twain, who said, "The coldest winter I ever saw was the summer I spent in San Francisco."

Stomps With Foot and I visited The City many, many yeArrrs ago, visiting Haight-Ashbury, Lombard Street, Alcatraz (where we liberated some kind of succulent plant and whisked it off to Texas to see if it would grow) Sears Pancakes, and this old Zephyr diner downtown somewhere (help me here Timmy) where I was dumbstruck when I read on the menu that, "If our waitstaff asks you if everything is OK, your meal is free, because they should know if everything is OK." I wish I had snagged one of those menus because every time a waiter/waitress comes by our table and asks that question, I think of that tag line.

Wish I could remember the name of the place and I hope it is still there. We need a dose of The City, for a week or long weekend, chilling out in a B&B with Timmy and the lovely and talented "Wife Is Home," as our guides. Guess we will wait until next summer, when it's over 100-degrees in Dallas. Ah, winter in the summer. Oh, did I mention that it was 102-degrees here Wednesday, September 28th, 2005. Sheesh.

I need to win the lottery, but it runs on gasoline!

2005-09-30T04:57:00.000-07:00

You may have read about my rants and raves regarding the fact that we still don't have flying cars. After all, the Jetson's had one, as did everyone in their neighborhood.

Well, now they are available. Like this beauty, only $3.5 million, featured in the new Neiman-Marcus Christmas Catalogue. Click on her and go see what the Moller Skycar is all about.

I have got to get me one of these!

Oh, those Aggies!

2005-09-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

Daughter, Codename: Sweetie One, an Aggie, sent me this and it is … priceless.

If Pirates Ruled!

2005-09-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

Llama Herding 101 has a link to some great Pirate-inspired Photoshop work.

Give him a visit.

Yar!

The horror of Hurricane Rita

2005-09-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

With all the news lately about Hurricane Katrina, we shouldn't forget that Houston has had it's share of devastating weather also.

The attached photo illustrates the damage caused to a home when Hurricane Rita passed through the Houston area a couple of days ago. It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take life for granted.

Warning: The attached picture is quite graphic and may not be suitable for younger viewers.

The Horror, The Horror.

Fairy tales of security

2005-09-27T04:59:00.000-07:00

This photo pretty much sums up how I feel this week in the aftermath of Hurricane Rita, and felt last week, and the week before that, and the week before that when Hurricane Katerina slammed the Gulf Coast and it became clear that what I had once believed, was nothing but a fairy tale.

Like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, Homeland InSecurity just wasn't and isn't one of those things that are real. The money our govmint has thrown ~~away~~ at it was and is real. It's my money, it's your money and which rabbit hole it disappeared into is the question of the year.

I am all about accountability. Our guvmint's spin on their failure to act promptly and decisively during these critical times has set my head spinning. Yes, it is unprecedented, and if they think I buy that as a reason for failing the citizens of this nation they are wrong. Dead wrong. I feel like Linda Blair with my head rotating 360-degrees. It's time to exorcise the beast.

Letters have and will be written to my representatives. I suggest you do the same.

Hold the "slamming," and demand accountability. We need to learn from these hard lessons of man versus Mother Nature.

El Capitan was right, it was, all-in-all a successful evacuation of 2.7 million people from the Houston/Gulf Coast area ahead of Hurricane Rita. We need to learn from it and Governor Perry is working to do just that.

God Save The Republic.

Bathroom humor

2005-09-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

With so much tension, stress, and sadness in the world over the past few weeks, we all need a good, rejuvenating belly laugh. When my brother and his family were in town escaping the wrath non-event of Hurricane Rita and having survived the 47-hour drive from Seabrook, I was in a silly mood and this came to me from out of nowhere!

Thought I would share it with everyone.

Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate

THIS REQUIRES PRIOR PLANNING:
1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds, like you are going to blow out an "O-ring" and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from about 3-feet up, and sigh loudly after it hits the water. Then spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under your neighboring stallmates wall. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor's eyeballs and say, "Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please? Before leaving say, "Damn, I knew the drain hole was a little too small, Now what am I gonna do?"

2. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

THIS REQUIRES PRIOR PLANNING:
3. Fill up a squirt bottle with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

4. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."

Get it done

2005-09-26T06:23:00.000-07:00

Brother Gogo and his family finally made it to Dallas from south of Houston (Seabrook) after spending 47 hours on the road, the lovely and talented Stomps With Foot fired off a letter to Senator Cornyn. She is dead on! She has an even better idea, that she did not spell out for the good Senator from Texas, but I will share it with you after your read her missive:

Stomps With Foot

September 25, 2005
Dear Senator Cornyn,

Good grief, I've looked all over the TxDot and Dept. of Transportation websites and did not see any plans to either widen I-35 or I-45 from Dallas to Austin/San Antonio or Houston. Weren't these 2-lane (occasionally 3-lane) highways built in the 1950's? It's amazing that our highways have not kept up with the number of cars on them.

I didn't see any plans for any additional new North-South highways to be built either. Does the current evacuation from Hurricane Rita wake up anybody in the state or federal government that we are in dire need ot more highways? Traffic from Dallas to Austin or Houston has been bumper to bumper for about 8 - 10 years now.

The federal government should be helping more with funding to expand or add Texas highways. Where are our representatives who are supposed to be looking our for us. Congress found plenty of money to send to Alaska for some pretty lame, unnecessary and frivilous projects (my opinion) and to study the brown snake in Guam.

Somebody help us - we NEED this - it's a necessity now. Make a trade - we'll continue to send oil from Texas refineries in exchange for more highways - after all, it's the rest of America we're got to get the oil delivered to.

I've been reading about all the items that Congressmen add onto important bills (Alaska has got to be the worst) and it is so frustrating. The pork belly/pork barrel items have got to stop. I am serious when I entertain the idea of outlawing lobbyists and pac funds! How did this even come to be - I can't imagine our forefathers envisioned this being allowed.

I would like to suggest a very radical idea - that a bill being introduced and voted on can only contain one item - no add-ons allowed. Each subject needing monetary appropriations has to be a separate bill. Can a bill be introduced to make that a law? I'm no great scholar, but I can hope America's founders intended that the peoples' representatives be accountable for what they spend from taxpayers' dollars. I pay more and more in taxes and I don't feel like I have a say in where it goes.

I have noted that you, sir, are able to bump people from their forward seats on Southwest Airlines (my husband and myself) and have restaurants open their doors early for you in Dallas. The people of Texas aren't asking for special treatment like that - just necessities, like more highways. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Stomps With Foot

When brother and his family headed back to Seabrook Saturday morning - we tried to find out about the road conditions and the availability of gasoline on the way. NO ONE HAD A CLUE. Not the Texas Department of Transportation, the Texas Highway Patrol, no one. So why don't we have a statewide radio station that gives traffic reports, emergency response information, gasoline locations, the list would be considerably long and be broadcast statewide. Maybe they section off this Great Republic and have a different frequency for each section. NOAA Weather Radio does that. Why can't the state.

People headed back to Houston on Saturday, during the storm which passed east of I-45. Waaaaay before Gollum, the evil mayor of Houston, said to for residents to come back in sections. Right. Everyone will listen to him, kind of like they really listened to Governor Perry when he re-inforced the suggestion. Why weren't people advised of this during the evacuation - do it in stages? I will tell you, we have no real leadership on the Federal, State, or Local levels.

El Capitan suggests that Monday morning quarterbacks should STFU. My take on this is that our guvmint should know what is entailed in an emergency evacuation and I disagree. We should have had some "practice" before the big game, Cap. Sure it's a huge undertaking, but just how are the billions of dollars for Homeland Security (insert guffaw here) being spent? Not on gasoline tanker trucks, or bus inspectors, that's for sure, and definitely not on expanding our highways to handle an "unprecedented" evacuation. The guvmint did a fine job. Just ask the folks who ran out of gas, had their cars towed and impounded and will now have to pay mucho dinero to redeem them. Just ask the people - this is supposed to be a government "For, of and by the people," isn't it?

Spin it Gollum, Spin it Perry, Spin it Dubyah. We can see right through your inadequate attempts to hold back the flood of criticism. Penn is speaking directly to those bureaucrats who are patting themselves on the back for such a fine job they did(n't do). Here he is now, with his message:

Mayor Gollum, the Evil One

2005-09-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

Houston's Mayor White, pictured below, is really rather "Smeagol-like," don't you think. Seems he and the Nazgul have captured El Capitan and made him stay in ~~Houston~~ Mordor under the penumbra of "essential personnel."

Good luck, my friend, ye'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hello McFly!

2005-09-22T04:40:00.000-07:00

Seems ~~George McFly~~ Governor Perry needs a jolt of 1.21 Jigawatts to get his head out of his ass. Or else we need to get Biff to knock some sense into him.

Brother Gogo and his family left Seabrook at 15:15 hours yesterday, and at 02:15 hours this morning, had made it to Cleveland, Texas. That's 68 miles in 11 hours. Not very far and not very fast. Here, take a look at this map.

Notice he is east of Conroe, Texas. Contrast that distance to his normal travel route. Find Conroe on this map and you will see how far they got last night.

By the looks of things, Hurricane Rita will make landfall before he gets to Dallas, only 281 miles away and normally a 4.5 hour drive.

Cell phones are not working - Slammed. Landlines are spotty at best - Slammed.

He finally contacted us by phone at 22:00, after trying repeatedly to get a call through via cell phone for 45-minutes straight. Stomps With Foot was able to book him into a no-tell motel for the night by doing some internet magic. He told us this morning that he was offered $1,000 for the room by someone who had more money than sense. So they should be able to complete the drive to Dallas sometime today.

I say, "sometime today," because there is no telling how long it will take him to make the normal 4.5 hour drive of 281 miles. He was able to advance 20 miles in 2 hours at the beginning of his exodus from Seabrook, inland. It got worse after that.

Then I hear on the radio this morning that our moronic governor has asked all Texans to avoid using the phone unless it is an EMERGENCY!

WTF? This IS AN EMERGENCY you moronic fucktard. Get a clue Governor Clueless, this mass exodus of millions of Texans from the Gulf Coast IS AN EMERGENCY.

Wait, you mean you don't really have a plan for an emergency? Oh, you have a plan, but it doesn't work?

We can't even handle the telephone traffic. Doesn't it make sense that people will need to communicate in an EMERGENCY?. Don't we have some kind of plan other than asking people to limit their phone calls? Oh, I see; we don't.

It's time to take back Texas, my fellow Texans. Take her back from the brain-dead politicians. Think about NOT voting in the Texas primaries, and vote for Kinky.

This is insane, and yet this is what we have gotten ourselves into by allowing the status quo to prevail in times when smart people need to be doing smart things; like 4 years ago they should've been doing some, oh, I don't know - PLANNING?

Hello McFly! Anyone in there?

The first Kinkytoon!

2005-09-22T04:38:00.000-07:00

Go see this, it'll make every Texan proud. Yup.

Send this link to everyone you know. We be pirates; pirates with a cause.

Heave!

2005-09-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

Let's all hear it for our guvmint's Emergency Response Program or ERP. It's pronounced, "Earp."

Pass the chum bucket, matey, afore Hurricane Rita arrives. Dubyah is taking Governor Perry's request to declare Texas a disaster area, "under advisement." Excuse me, "under advisement?" How about ye get off'n yer ass, Dubyah and get something into play here.

And the times they are a changin'

2005-09-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

WAIT! DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

Cowabunga!

2005-09-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

Running out of names! It's hard to reason with the hurricane season.

So all ya'll down in Dickinson, Seabrook, and the Bayou City of Houston, come up to Dallas, or I can put you up in Brew Naunfels.

Stomps With Foot and I are now "evacuation central" for all my family on the South Coast of Texas. My 80-year-old ~~hardheaded~~ mother is planning to ride Rita out, as well as my sisters and their families. However, my dear sister and her husband, Codenames: Rango and Big Red; who live about 30 miles from Galveston have a lot to do before they can get out of harm's way.

Brother, Codename: Gogo; and his family are headed for Dallas this afternoon, with all four cars and three dogs. Things should be busy around the main deck for a while.

I left a message on Baboon Pirates recorder this morning. Hope he makes it out with his armory!

Come on up and have a 'Rita on me.

Surf's up! Cowabunga!

Nuttin' but the best

2005-09-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

Daym! Timmah is providing me with a floating rubber tub of blogfodder this week!

Thank ye verily, Timmah.

Timmah Nails It!

2005-09-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

Once again, Timmah provides food for thought. Hmmmmm. I wonder how the Gulf War and the current Iraqi War "homeless" stack up against this one-in-five statistic.

250 mics of David Crosby times two.

2005-09-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

Me matey, Timothy Leary, also known as Sanfransicko shot and sent me these photos of some dahlias, titled, 250 mcg of David Crosby #1 and 250 mcg of David Crosby #2, respectively.

©2005, Sanfransicko, All Rights Reserved. Published with permission.

©2005, Sanfransicko, All Rights Reserved. Published with permission.

Intense, man, intense. And, if'n ye not be knowin' what a microgram is, move along, there's nothin' for ye here.

National Talk Like A Pirate Day!

2005-09-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

Yar! This be National Talk Like A Pirate Day. Get off'n yer arses and get thee to a visit o' the official website me hearties!

They call it, "Lunacy."

2005-09-19T06:08:00.000-07:00

Texas settlers dreaded the full moon of September — and with just cause. It was the Comanche Moon. Raiding parties rode hard at night, using the bright sky, mild weather and lush grass as they swept across Texas prairies during annual sorties into Mexico. The settlements went on high alert and civilian travel was held to a minimum. It was not a good time to be outdoors. Fast forward to yesterday, if you were a car, parked in front of my home, it was not a good day to be outdoors when the Comanches came to my house during an early morning raid.

They call it "lunacy" for a reason, and the Comanche Moon should've been a harbinger of the fate that would befall us. It was a Comanche Moon yesterday, and the lunatics were out. Sweetie One and Duffer, brought the grandchildren to visit for the weekend. My youngest son, codename: Tyrone, and his fiancée were having a couples shower on Sunday afternoon, which they drove up to attended.

The "lunacy" preceeded the party, however, and occurred about 10:15 a.m. when Stomps With Foot (who, by the way is not Comanche) was sitting in the backyard when she heard the crunch of metal and the squeal of tires - the unmistakable sounds of a car, driven by someone without a license or insurance, impacting one of our cars. She leapt up and ran to the back gate of the driveway to see three young Hispanic men stagger from their car directly in front of the house; where my eldest son's (codename: Jaeger) car, his truck, and Sweetie One's car were parked three-in-a-row, with eldest son's car in front. SWF came running into the house shouting, "Come out in the front, quickly!"

Upon viewing and assessing the situation, I see a local yard-man standing on the sidewalk. He is Hispanic too, but speaks English and said he had witnessed the crash. He offered to be our translator and, if we needed him, he would be happy to give a statement to the police. I asked him to ask them if they were okay and they said they were. But they were all sitting on the curb with their heads in their hands. Dazed but okay, their POS car totally trashed and leaking radiator fluid all over the street.

These three youngsters, they couldn't have been more than 18-years-old, smashed into Jaeger's car, folding it's right wheel in and pushing it up on the curb. He was asleep at the time and was in for a rude awakening!

After ensuring they weren't hurt (just dazed) we took photos of the damage, while one of the kids ran home (about a block away - to my dismay) to get his English-speaking cousin. Cousin Gilberto arrived to assure us that he would pay for all the damages, "No problemo!"

Duffer went inside to get them all some bottled water (that was very nice of him, I never even thought of doing that). SWF then phoned the police, who arrived to assess the situation, make out the incident report and finally, handcuff he driver. His cousin Gilberto (a much older man) asked the officer, "Why you do that, why you arrest heem?" To which the officer said, "No licensio, no insurancio, he's going to jailio!"

It was all I could do not to bust a gut laughing. It was pretty sad, after all. Young kid, no license, no insurance, probably in the country illegally, now on his way to the calaboose. But, after all, if I have to have insurance and a license, so should everyone else on the road.

Tell me again, cousin Gilberto, how you are going to come up with the 3-4 grand it will take to repair the car? Nevermind, Jaeger has insurance, and he is a licensed driver, so he will get to deal with that. Bummer for him and his bride, but they handled it well.

The Comanche Moon, I should've known.

It('s) used to be the real thing!

2005-09-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

Mmmmmm, wish I had a hit of the "original" Coke every now and then. Sure, it cured headaches and relieved exhaustion, but that was so late 1800s.

Check it out here.

Guess I will settle for a Dr Pepper!

One-in-four

2005-09-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

My daughter, codename: ~~the Mothership~~ Sweetie One, sent this to me this morning. I think she is onto something!

Ah means ta tole ya!

2005-09-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

The new Louisiana State Amphibian - found in and around Lake Pontchatrain and the Mississippi River delta.

Ah means ta tole ya, deeze be some fine eatin', 'specially the three-eyed ones with three hind legs.

Thanks EPA!

The solution to pollution is dilution!

2005-09-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

Did you ever pee in the pool when you were a kid? Well, multiply that "pollution" by a factor of one gazillion and you will have an idea of what our guv'mint is doing in N'awlins.

State and federal agencies have just begun water quality testing in N'awlins, but environmental experts say the vile, stagnant chemical soup that sits in the streets of the city will contain traces of everything imaginable.

"Go home and identify all the chemicals in your house. It's a very long list," said Ivor van Heerden, head of a Louisiana State University center that studies the public health impacts of hurricanes.

"And that's just in a home. Imagine what's in an industrial plant," he said. "Or a sewage plant."

Gasoline, diesel, anti-freeze, bleach, human waste, acids, alcohols and a host of other substances must be washed out of homes, factories, refineries, hospitals and other buildings.

In Metairie, east of New Orleans, the floodwater is tea-colored, murky and smells of burnt sulfur. Do Not Go In There!

Those who have waded into it say they could see only about 1 to 2 inches into the depths and that there was significant debris on and below the surface.

Experts said the longer water sat in the streets, the greater the chance gasoline and chemical tanks -- as well as common containers holding anything from bleach to shampoo -- would rupture.

And after the toxic water is gone, the folks will have toxic mud to contend with, that will ultimately dry up and leave behind toxic dirt that the good people of N'awlins will be able to inhale. Kids are even closer to the ground, so they will undoubtedly ingest some.

Dubyah has promised no one will have to contend with bureaucratic red-tape. Forget the EPA. Forget the poor black folks and the impact this will have on them. Forget the flora and fauna that will be directly impacted by this toxic mix of God-knows-what.

So, let's just pump it all into the Mississippi River and Lake Pontchartrain, after all, the solution to pollution is dilution.

Is it just me? Sheesh.

Middle-finger-fall-offus!

2005-09-16T05:23:00.000-07:00

Upon closer examination …

Rhianna has a post today about biting her nails. When you visit her blog you will see the photos she has posted and read her plea.

Upon closer examination, however, I see the root of the problem. It's the first sign of middle-finger-fall-offus, that dreaded disease caused by a chemical reaction between the skin on the middle finger and a ring. It appears that the area just above or beneath the ring, extending about 1/2-inch above the knuckle is cyanotic - a bluish discoloration of the skin, resulting from poor circulation or inadequate oxygenation if the blood. This is not good.

The cyanosis, I fear, is the result of not shooting-the-finger enough. You see, many people think their skin beneath their rings turns cyan because of the alloy in the ring - sometimes there is too much nickel. Some will insist that it is because there is too much acid in the skin causing the reaction - usually attributed to drinking/eating too much citrus. Not so.

I fear that if she doesn't commence flipping-off people soon, she will lose that finger – the middle finger - whoa! Then, she wouldn't be able to flip anyone off with that hand. She can delay the inevitable by flipping-off anyone and everyone she sees for the next ten days; especially the guys with hairy legs and the shirtless-runners on the base. That should at least make her feel better, and while she is at it she won't be able to see that middle finger's nail. Thus, saving her finger and allowing her to grow her nails out to a more attractive length.

There is an alternative cure, however. It involves leaving a comment, about how wonderful Texas is, on her blog. You see, she is an expatriot and is missing Texas so much she is subconsciously biting her nails down to the quick. So, my dear fellow Texans, get thee to her site and leave her a memorable Texas comment.

Pirate humor day

2005-09-15T04:49:00.000-07:00

OK, chillens, it be time fer some pirate humor. Democrat? Republican? It matters not!

Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

Jes lahk mah mammy always tole me …

2005-09-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

This undated handout photo released by the Louisiana Attorney General's Office in Baton Rouge, La., Tuesday, Sept. 13, 2005, of Mable B. Mangano, left, and Salvador A. Mangano, Sr., who have been charged with 34 counts of negligent homicide in the deaths of 34 people found at St. Rita's Nursing Home in Violet, La., last week. The charges stem from the Mangano's alleged failure to evacuate the nursing home contrary to the facility's own evacuation plan and in violation of the St. Bernard Parish's mandatory evacuation following Hurricane Katrina. (AP Photo/Louisiana Attorney General's Office, HO) (AP)

----------------------------------

The Manganos' attorney, Jim Cobb, said his Tuesday night that his clients are innocent, and he blamed St. Bernard Parish officials for not ensuring an evacuation plan was proceeding.

Jes lahk mah mammy always tole me, "It's always someone else's fault!"

These two people were released on $50,000 bond. Let's do the math, shall we? $50,000 divided by 34 deaths = $1,470.59 each. Must be the Napoleonic law that prevails ovah der in Loozy-anna. Makes perfect sense to me.

I was going to seque into a Soylent Petroleum story but decided not to do that one.

We're all going to be rich!

2005-09-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

OMG, we can have a cheap alternative to fuel. We need ~~to use dead cats as~~ alternative fuels.

We could start by scraping up all the Texas the roadkill, and my favorite ingredient for Roadkill Chili, the armadillo. We have miles and miles of roads, Interstates, farm-to-market, county, residential and city streets in Texas No sireee, don't see any need for anything other than good old Texas roadkill.

A skunk could be a multiplier in this secret biodiesel recipe!

Here is a photo I took a year or so ago that could be the start of a new ad campaign!

Yep, my Ford Exploder is parked on the road and the fresh biodiesel dude is already posed! Whodathunkit?

Bring us your wreched refuse of the road …

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German inventor has angered animal rights activists with his answer to fighting the soaring cost of fuel -- dead cats.

Christian Koch, 55, from the eastern county of Saxony, told Bild newspaper that his organic diesel fuel -- a home-made blend of garbage, run-over cats, and other ingredients -- is a proven alternative to normal consumer diesel.

"I drive my normal diesel-powered car with this mixture," Koch said. "I have gone 170,000 km (106,000 miles) without a problem."

The Web site of Koch's firm, "Alphakat GmbH," says his patented "KDV 500" machine can produce what he calls the "bio-diesel" fuel at about 23 euro cents (30 cents) a litre, which is about one-fifth the price at petrol stations now.

Koch said around 20 dead cats added into the mix could help produce enough fuel to fill up a 50-litre (11 gallon) tank.

But the president of the German Society for the Protection of Animals, Wolfgang Apel, said using dead cats for fuel was illegal.

"There's no danger for cats and dogs in Germany because this practice is outlawed in Germany," Apel told Bild on Wednesday in a story entitled "Can you really make fuel out of cats?"

Right! We really believe that the Germans have already passed legislation outlawing this practice … uh, yeah. They think of everything. But I just checked the law in Texas and anything is fair game!

Soylent petroleum! Ya think we should head on down for some N'awlins nursing homes?

That, my dear children, is a story for another blog.

Fairy garden visit

2005-09-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

Writing about Stomps With Foot's fairy garden yesterday, and including the shot of the blooming purple sage bush that anchors one end, reminded me to post some more of her plantage.

Lantana. I got this one right!

Some kind of yellow flowery thingy
Update: Stomps With Foot says, "It's coreopsis."

Some kind of white succulent flowery thingy
Update: Stomps With Foot says, "It's the orange blossom tree."

Some kind of purplish flower dealies
Update: Stomps With Foot says, "It's balloon flowers."

Now, this is a photo of the lowly jimson weed.

It's hallucinogenic. Careful, careful.

Come to find out, is a hallucinogenic! Damn, those daze are gone for me but I may try to make a nice tea sometime!

If I hurl, I will let you know. On second thought, after reading this I decided against it!

Overview: Jimson weed is a common name for a plant known botanically as Datura stramonium, which has been used as a medicine and intoxicant for centuries. The plant's main ingredients are the belladonna alkaloids atropine and scopolamine. Since Jimson weed is native to much of the U.S. (from New England to Texas), it's most often used by young people in those areas unfamiliar with its reputation and unprepared for its side effects.

Street Names: Thornapple, stinkweed, locoweed

Appearance: Jimson weed can reach a height of 5 feet, bearing white flowers and prickly seed pods that split open when ripe, usually in fall.

Effects: The phrase "Red as a beet, dry as a bone, blind as a bat, mad as a hatter" has been used to describe Jimson's effects, and it does a good job of summing them up. All parts of the plant are toxic, so pleasant effects are limited-a big reason the plant is used only by novices. Atropine and scopolamine block the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, causing dry mouth, dilated pupils, high temperature (but reduced sweating), and blurred vision. Psychological effects include confusion, euphoria, and delirium.

Side Effects/Risks: Potential for accidental poisoning increases with higher doses. Symptoms include incoherent speech, impaired coordination; rapid heart beat; and dry, flushed or hot skin. In extreme cases, users can experience seizures, intense visual or auditory hallucinations, or cardiac arrest. A Jimson weed overdose should be considered potentially serious and medical intervention sought.

Addiction Potential: Since Jimson weed's effects aren't generally considered pleasurable, addiction usually isn't a factor.

Medical Uses: Because of its anticholinergic properties and antispasmodic effects, Jimson weed was used in traditional medicine to treat a variety of illnesses. Today, extracts are still used in treating asthma, intestinal cramps, and both diarrhea and bed-wetting.

Duration: Depends on dose, with most effects beginning within two hours of use and some lingering up to 24-48 hours.

Legal Status: Jimson weed is not a controlled substance.

Trends: Most Jimson weed use tends to be of the one-time-only thrill-seeking or curiosity variety, typically involving younger teens. Few statistics are available on use but, in 1998, 152 cases of Jimson weed poisoning were reported nationally, according to the American Association of Poison Control Centers.

Georgia O'Keefe did some fine paintings of the lowly jimson weed.

Whoa, she must've been trippin' when she painted it.

Daaaa-Yum! A Texan Abroad

2005-09-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

I visited me quartermaster's blog this morning, Kurt at A Trainwreck in Maxwell. He has added some new (to me) blogs to his blogroll and I was struck by the intensity of one - A Texan Abroad. After duly checking out her postings and her profile, I must say, she is a Texan, head-to-toe; an expatriate living in Italy and the spouse of a member of our armed forces. God bless their family, and their family's families.

I know how hard 'tis ta be a military spouse. Stomps With Foot knows even better than I, and with three young-uns under their arms, I know they will be happy to return to the Great Republic of Texas. I encourage you to visit her site, she is wise beyond her yeArrrs!

She now has a place of honor on my blogroll. Visit her often, she offers an insight not often found in someone of her tender young age.

Fairy garden wind chimes

2005-09-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

This morning, and I do mean morning - it was 0500 hours and I was in the midst of my daily routine, when I heard my wind chimes. The end of summer is approaching, the mornings are cooler and we are finally getting some air movement. Stomps With Foot bought the chimes for me probably five or six years ago and they never fail to make me smile.

I placed them off the back porch in her fairy garden area, which is filled with wildflowers and blooming plants of all sorts, including moon flowers, the lonely jimson weed (which has beautiful flowers), morning glory's, and a beautiful purple sage.

This is a partial photo of the purple sage, which bloomed like crazy once we had some rain a few weeks ago. The wind chimes are in the upper left of the photo.

Smiling at the sound of wind chimes, first thing in the morning, is the best way to start one's day.

This just in …

2005-09-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

Foamy the Squirrel reporting…

Occasionally, Tim Leary, codename: Timmy, will drop me a jewel or two that must be shared as he has done once again with this gem. To quote Timmy, "This little squirrel says it all." Amen.

Papa Smurf Potty

2005-09-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

Papa Smurf can I lick yer …

Ah, the paperless toilet. Seems like we will be waiting for this one to arrive on the plumbing aisles of your favorite home improvement store. The flying car has got to have some priority here.

Striped bass on Canal Street?

2005-09-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

Timmah sent this uncredited photo to me and it appears that George Dubyah was doing some serious fishin' around the hidden structures beneath his boat.

Write your best caption and send it in! The winner will get a fabulous prize - a trip to N'awlins on a stench seeking trip.

Yar!

Mother and child(ren) reunion …

2005-09-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

With a Tip-O-The-Hat to Stomps With Foot, I bring you this happy message.

Lorne and Valerie Bennett were forced to leave their four pets behind when Katrina chased them from their Slidell, La., home to an Atlanta hospital. A local doctor had promised to stay behind and care for the pets.

"We never thought we'd see them again," Lorne said. And miraculously from their Atlanta hospital room, they did. The doctor had kept his word, spiriting their four animals to a shelter, where they appeared on TV.

Then a Texas couple, hearing of the Bennett's plight, drove 1,200 miles to pick up the pets.

"It got put in our laps and we were destined to do it," said Jeff Caldwell, who helped with the reunion.

And then this miracle story ended in a happy sea of tears, as the Bennett's were reunited with their English springer spaniel, Oreo, their dachshund, Lady, their cat, P. Kitty, and their guinea pig, Piggy Wiggy.