Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Thus spake the Emperor!

My Letters of Marque have arrived from the the Empire! (or is that EmpiArrrr!) Take heed all ye Moonbats dwelling in the known the Universe (and outlying counties), me corsairs be await'n' ye, lest ye be caught off'n yer guard. Ye have been duly warned as I have been dubbed, and humbly accept the title of Imperial Privateer! Ye should read the Darth Misha's blog entry here.

My Imperial Commission:

We, the Emperor Darth Misha I, Lord of all the Universe (and outlying counties), Wielder of the Cluebat of Doom™, Terror of the Idiotarians and Defender of the Holy Clue™ do hereby command ye, ZiPpo the Pirate, as follows:

That ye will with these Instructions receive and accept this our commission or letter of marque which ye are to enjoyn with all expeditiousness and to publish and put the same in due execution, according to the full extent and import of the same and that, for the accomplishing whereof, ye shall have all the assistance the Empire can reasonably give ye.

That ye are to make known to us what strength ye can possibly make, what yer wants may be in order to achieve a favorable outcome so that on due calculation of both we may supply ye with all possible speed.

That ye are to take notice and advise yer Fleet and Souldiers that ye are on the old pleasing Account of, no purchase no pay, and therefore that all which is got shall be divided amongst them according to accustomed and honorable Rules.

That in case ye shall find it prudential as by yer Commission ye are directed, to attain high ground against all enemies of the Rottweiler Empire and God blessing ye with victory and Glory for the Empire, ye are hereby directed, in case ye do it without any considerable hazards, to keep and make good the place and country thereabout, until ye have advised me of yer success and received my further Orders touching the same, lest yer suddenly quitting and leaving the Enemy capable of suddenly returning, beget us new work, and put on new charges and hazards for the second defeating.

That, in order to do this ye are to proclaim mercy and enjoyment of states and liberty of customs to all that will submit and give assurance of their Loyalty to the Emperor Darth Misha I, and Liberty to all Slaves that will come in; and to such as by any good service may deserve the same; ye are to give notice that their fugitive Moonbat Plantations are to be divided amongst them as rewards for the same & make them sufficient Grants in writing, both for their Liberties and for their Estates, reserving to the Empire of Darth Misha I the fourth part of the produce to be yearly paid for the yearly maintenance of such Forces as shall be required to defend those parts that they may forever enjoy the safety and blessings of the Empire's benevolent rule.

That, in case ye find that course to take approvable, ye are as much as will stand with the same, to preserve the Imperial infrastructure; but if it otherwise appear to ye, that in reason ye cannot make good the place for any long time, and that the Moonbats and Slaves are deaf to yer proposals, ye are then, to treat it as a Wilderness and return it to that state, putting the Men-slaves to the Sword and making the Women-Slaves Prisoners to be brought hither, and sold for the account of yer Fleet. Such of the men that cannot speak the language of the Anti-Idiotarian Empire, or any new Moonbat, ye may preserve to be done with as you please, according to the needs of your Fleet and any individuals that may have done you good service during the confrontation you may set free at your first port of call after your departure or give unto them the offer of joining your ranks for the Greater Glory of the Empire. If any Ships are present, you are authorized to carry them as prizes for the Empire, and, upon their arrival in an Imperial port, they shall be appraised and you and your men shall be issued your prize money according to the fair and just practice of the Empire.

That, upon thy departure from an enemy settlement that is not suitable for occupation, nor of any further value to the Empire, ye leave no living being behind and make sure that any structures are razed to the ground, those structures not lending themselves easily to razing to be set on fire, to serve as an example to Enemies of the Empire.

That ye are to enquire what usage our Prisoners in Enemy hands have had, and what Quarter hath been given by the Enemy to such of ours as have fallen under their power, and being well informed, ye are to return the same, or rather as our custom is to return kindness with unparallelled generosity and unkindnesses with mercilessness, endeavouring by all means to make all sorts of People sensible of yer Moderation, fairness and devotion to the Imperial Doctrine of "treat us good, we'll treat you better. Treat us bad, we'll treat you worse", so that yer unwillingness and loathing to spill the blood of men may not be mistaken for weakness.

Ye have hereby power to impose Martial Law, according to such military Laws as have been made by me, and the Laws made by the Rottweilian Empire for the government of the Fleet, which I approve of as fitting for the Service; and hereby authorize ye to put them in execution against such as shall offend ye, having first published the Laws unto them, that none may pretend ignorance.

If any Ship or Ships shall be present, which have not any Commissions, have the fighting capabilities suitable for a Ship of Empire and has not engaged in hostilities against ye, ye are hereby empowered to Grant Commissions to them according to the form I have used, taking security of $10,000 for the performance of the same.

What Ships in this Expedition ye shall keep with ye under yer Command and then order and dispose for the best improvement of this Service, not suffering the takers or pretenders to sell them until they come into their Commission Port.

In regard as many things may happen in this Action which cannot be by us foreseen and provided for in these Instructions, therefore all such matters are left to yer well known prudence and conduct, referring to ye that are in the place to do therein what shall be deemed needful, thus wishing yer success and this Empire made prosperous and more glorious thereby.

We remain, yer Emperor

Darth Misha I, Emperor of all the Universe (and outlying counties), Wielder of &c &c...